CRISES MANAGEMENT

As if we need any additional proof that the contemporary condition of art consumption is closer to the World Wrestling Federation than it is to World Civilization, I was recently invited to take part in a professional symposium whose putative theme, as described in its title, was The Decline & Renaissance in the Art of the Now. However hopeful the cumbersome heading, the first question posed to the panelists deflated any possible claim on actual seriousness. Our ragtag assembly consisted of 2 critics, 3 academics, a curator, 4 collectors and a moderator whose chief qualification seemed to be that she was the former associate Style editor of Newsday. 

 "Who is today's absolute worst practicing artist?" 

It was like throwing fresh marrow at a kennel of puppies.

Shide Devenaux, oil on canvas, 2015

All the usual names came up - Koons, Schoffman, Hirst, Malaspina, Wool, Devenaux, Silvas etc. - and what ensued was a demoralizing frenzy of calumnious innuendo and oh-so-clever invective.

What could possibly be the purpose of such an inquiry beyond its sheer entertainment value? 

Though I have to confess that even I was taken in by the gales of mirthful schadenfreude.

Currado Malaspina, from The Baba Kama Sutra, 2016

"Malaspina's a fraud," our resident professor of interdisciplinary multimedia performance practice crooned to the approving crowd, "instead of suffering a genuine scandal, he bakes one into his work like an ungainly puppeteer."

I'm not at all certain how to unpack that clumsy mess of tangled metaphor but judging by the audience's uproarious reception I was in a minority position.

David Schoffman, from The Body Is His Book

Surprisingly it was Schoffman who came in for the most malicious remarks but I guess these are the wages of fame. Our resident curator spoke of the inconvenience of having to install a polyptych consisting of 100 panels. One of the collectors said it was completely unreasonable of an artist to insist upon the presentation of an entire work. "Even I don't have that kind of wall space," he said to the giggling crowd.

But it was my colleague, Sabrina Solavechick from The Art Newspaper who got the last laugh. During the Q&A she was asked if she thought quality was still a matter of important consideration at a time when the market is so heated and the critical community is so glutted by the Internet. 

Sabrina, who by any measure is a beautiful and elegant woman, merely took a long deep breath and irreverently let out what could only be described as a desperate cry for help.

TRY THIS ... IT MAY SURPRISE YOU!

A friend of mine - a guy I know from the gym who works for some tech firm in lower Manhattan - told me that about every six months or so, Human Resources sends some over-exuberant nerd with gelled hair and Elvis Costello glasses over to all the departments and conducts what they call a "quality of the workplace" seminar. They're mandatory, they invariably gum up the production schedule and nobody takes them seriously but besides that, he finds them harmless. The latest one was called The Picot Manchester Scan and it's available online. He told me it's really different but I honestly have no basis of comparison. Anyway, it was somewhat illuminating and I think it really nailed my character pretty accurately.