THREE MINUTES AND TWENTY-TWO SECONDS (3:22)

I've been told by more than one person that my essays have too many words. They assure me that they are very interested in my semi-regular disquisitions on art and ideas but that in the current marketplace of eyes and clicks, reading my vignettes takes up way too much time.

Count Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy

They gently point to my prose and complain that I use too many adverbs and adjectives. They grumble that if a thought can be conveyed without a modifier why would I burden a reader whose time is presumably too valuable to be bothered by elements of style.

 It's arrogant of me, they continue, to expect a perfect stranger to struggle though polysyllabic, metrical sentences when a tiny tap away they can find beautiful, caption-less photos of hairless chests and form fitting underpants.

Of course I know they're right.

I am therefore taking this opportunity to introduce a new important feature on all my future screeds!

From now on I will include, next to the title, a reliable estimate of the time it will take the average reader to get through my short, little articles. I say reliable because I have purchased a terrific new app that calculates - based on levels of difficulty, length and subject matter - the amount of minutes and seconds it would take to read something from start to finish.

Factored into their brilliant algorithm are the potentially inhibiting learning disabilities that could slow a reader down. Through the gentle surveillance of "cookies" it can evaluate the reader's internet history and determine to what degree they have abraded their concentration through prolonged contact with foolish and entertaining websites. 

The reader can even personalize the algorithm's evaluation of their personal data by going into Settings and choosing between avid, apathetic, resilient, lazy, techie, techie 1, techie 2, grande, venti, technophobe, child, childlike, senior, stupid or recent college graduate!

I know this will make a huge difference and I hope, in this way, I can attract more and more readers and cultivate a growing cadre of loyal and devoted followers.